So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
lot going on here, legally speaking.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol