Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
How did we not see this back then?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.