Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Haha! 😂
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.