Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Well well well…
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
then why did i get this email
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.