I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
馃悥馃惙
馃惤
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don鈥檛 even like you that much anymore.
I鈥檓 not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: 鈥淥ne of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he鈥檒l ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
This fish is cracking me up
Stranger: ma鈥檃m do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT鈥橲 BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I鈥檓 drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it鈥檚 not seventeen and I鈥檓 running out of Band-Aids
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It鈥檚 not the dress, it鈥檚 the woman wearing it.
Me: 馃槉
16: So you鈥檙e pretty much screwed, I don鈥檛 know what to tell you.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
馃ぃdope
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.