Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad