People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel