What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
You Might Also Like
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
gentlemen, hear me out
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food