I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Nice try Hitler
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.