dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?