Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.