when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“We will wed,” I threatened
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Always leave them wanting their money back.