DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*