Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.