Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
You Might Also Like
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
smh
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
These dogs look like they have good credit.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone