Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.