Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Hot hot hot 🥵
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale