Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
You Might Also Like
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test