Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
the simulation is moving too fast
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
this has done me in for some reason
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!