Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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Me too 😆
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.