“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,