“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola