When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I can also cook 😂
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?