“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.