[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Yoga Matt
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound