DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
so much to do
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?