DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Yes, but it was never about money
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.