She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.