Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks