Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The dark side of Canada
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
How about daylight saves us for once
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale