Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.