Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
yeet
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.