*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
You Might Also Like
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I wanna be friends with this person
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex