Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The Backseat Boys
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.