“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.