I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Real House Wines.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?