“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it