“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
You Might Also Like
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?