I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Just this preview of the story is enough
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?