DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.