cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
iPhone X
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.