@xysist: Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
@TheHyyyype: *aliens come to earth to steal our water*
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn't pay for*
@ilovepie84: Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.
@stopbylater: [Shouts to passing jogger]
"Is there cake?"
@Midgetspar: If you try to rip somebody's head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don't succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
@iwearaonesie: me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it