Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.