@xysist: Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
@QwertyJones3: "That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice."
No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
@stewnami: She kept yelling "Choke!, Choke!" to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
@FrenulumBreve: Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
"we're out of cereal."
@BeingDBEAST: Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
@Naked_Superman: Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake their soda