@xysist: Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
@trojansauce: GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?
GOLDFISH: who are you?
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
@canadasandra: We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
@michaelianblack: Fun fact: The hip word "chillax" is a combination of the slang term "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]