@xysist: Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
@scottthetwat: My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.
@online_rat: my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
@JohnHilsen: Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
@meganamram: I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food
@IvyelleWright: This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths