I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid