@UNTRESOR: Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
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@TheDailySchmuck: If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret. Then punch the person in the face.
@Death_Buddy: Hey, did you say that your dog likes to 'exercise' or 'exorcise'? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
@Sassafrantz: [male bank teller gives my niece a sucker] Me: What do you say? Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money? Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
@NoogsCorner: Cop: You been drinking?nnMe: No.nnCop: Say the alphabet backwards.nnMe: Alphabet the. nnCop: Hilarious. Say each letter.nnMe: Each letter.