Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…