Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
brian had himself a morning…
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.