Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If a snake ate a cake
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”