The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
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im all 3
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food