Spotted in New Orleans.
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Don’t we all.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My Plans 2020
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing