dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I love wikipedia
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
a public service announcement
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in